"There can never be two winners in any conflict- whether it be war, politics or even love- one of the two involved will always be unhappy with the results"

-Anonymous

"there can never be two winners in any conflict- whether it be war, politics or even love- one side will always be unhappy with the results"

-Anonymous

Expressions...

i'm back

it's been a while..

but i'm back.

haven't written in a while, been too busy and no access to be able to write

but i'm back now, and got a shit ton running through my mind.

got some great stories from this summer, and got some feelings in my head i feel like sharing to get them out of my head that have been building for the better part of a year...

all to follow, but right now i'm still in rest mode, so expect some captivating posts in the near future.

as always,

with much love,

TRIP

Who I Am Hates Who I've Been

I watched the proverbial sunrise
Coming up over the Pacific and
You might think I'm losing my mind,
But I will shy away from the specifics...

'cause I don't want you to know where I am
'cause then you'll see my heart
In the saddest state it's ever been.

This is no place to try and live my life.

Stop right there. That's exactly where I lost it.
See that line. Well I never should have crossed it.
Stop right there. Well I never should have said
That it's the very moment that
I wish that I could take back.

I'm sorry for the person I became.
I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again
'cause who I am hates who I've been.
Who I am hates who I've been.

I talk to absolutely no one.
Couldn't keep to myself enough.
And the things bottled inside have finally begun
To create so much pressure that I'll soon blow up.

I heard the reverberating footsteps
Synching up to the beating of my heart,
And I was positive that unless I got myself together,
I would watch me fall apart.

And I can't let that happen again
'cause then you'll see my heart
In the saddest state it's ever been.

This is no place to try and live my life.

Who I am hates who I've been
And who I am will take the second chance you gave me.
Who I am hates who I've been
'cause who I've been only ever made me...

So sorry for the person I became.
So sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again
'cause who I am hates who I've been.
Who I am hates who I've been.

Perseverance

"We shall not flag or fail. We shall go on to the end. We shall fight in France. We shall fight on the seas and oceans. We shall fight, with growing confidence and strength in the air. We shall defend our island, whatever the cost may be. We shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets. We shall fight in the hills. We shall never surrender."

Winston Churchill

Hypocrisy of truth...

"War can only be abolished through war, and in order to get rid of the gun it is necessary to take up the gun."

Mao Zedong

one for the history books...

"The victor will never be asked if he told the truth."

Adolf Hitler

the voice of war...

"Of course the people don't want war. Why should some poor slob on a farm want to risk his life in a war when the best he can get out of it is to come back to his farm in one piece? Naturally, the common people don't want war: neither in Russia, nor in England, nor for that matter in Germany. That is understood. But after all it is the leaders of the country who determine the policy, and it is always a simple matter to drag the people along, whether it is a democracy, or a fascist dictatorship, or a parliament, or a communist dictatorship . . . Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is to tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger."

Hermann Goering

(at the Nuremberg Trials, shortly before being sentenced to death)

Band of Brothers...

"From this day to the ending of the world ,But we in it shall be remember'd; We few, we happy few, we band of brothers; For he to-day that sheds his blood with me Shall be my brother"

-William Shakespeare (Henry V)

Finest Hour

"Let us therefore brace ourselves to our duties and so bear ourselves that, if the British Empire and its Commonwealth last for a thousand years, men will still say, 'This was their finest hour.'"

Winston Churchill

Fruits of War

"In Italy, for thirty years under the Borgias, they had warfare, terror, murder and bloodshed, but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci, and the Renaissance. In Switzerland they had brotherly love, they had five hundred years of democracy and peace, what did they produce? The cuckoo clock."

Orson Welles

Future of war

"I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones."

Albert Einstein

Darkness and light

Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.

Martin Luther King Jr.

just sayin...

Philosophy...

There’re lots of things out there. Fakes, doubters, liars, prophets, dreamers, lovers, fighters, believers. No matter what we may say, we all hate at least one person. No matter how we choose to feel, we will always love that one person who doesn’t love us back. It’s this game of life. It’s this mystery. Now, I don’t know how to solve it....

-Angella Esposito

why?

lets say you were a girl,

you had a boyfriend,

and another guy friend.

you know guy friend likes you a whole lot.

what would possess you to write in guy friends formspring annonymously telling him not to give up trying to get you, and then drunkenly admitting it to him that you were the one writing it?

and then when questioned about it tell guy friend "i don't know, i know how my brain works, and my brain knows you still have a chance" while drinkin together.

and why would you be all bi-polar with guy friend, begging him to hang out one day, then refusing to talk to him the next, come the following weekend wanting to hang out again.

all the time when you have a boyfriend who doesn't go to the school, who you tell you're hanging out with guy friend, and makes you promise not to do anything with guy friend, yet you still take advantadge of the fact that guy friend is hopelessly in love with you...

why would a girl do that?

What If?

There but for the flip of a coin, go we...

ever wonder if thats all life really is? a series of chances?

and after every chance happening, one serious question is left to haunt us, What If?

what if things had gone differently?

with everything

with love? with life?

what if?

so i've got some shit on my mind, and it's been spinning me for a turn lately.

i've made some choices in my past that have me thinking "What If?"

but somethings have happened unavoidably, and still they weigh heavily on my soul....

always wondering What If?

what if things went differently 2 years ago? would i have gotten hung up on this girl?

and what if things had gone the same then? but differently now?

theres too many variables, and too many chances, too many possibilities....

but always that question hanging over me... What If?

I Hate Crew...

why might you ask? because of the coaching and the fact that it is mass maritime... that is it really...

i know i'm new to the sport, but i truly do enjoy it.

unfortunately i'm on the bill to stand watch tomorrow, and just realized it today, because first company has a way of not informing people of jack shit, and i immediately emailed my coach to let him know why i can't be at practice tomorrow afternoon.

and this is what he had to say about that whole thing...

"Are you telling me cadets are given 24 hours notice of watch duty? Do you want me to have the Athletic Director contact 1st Company commander and find out why five people have to miss practice so you can stand watch!?! What does being a member of a team mean to you, Justin? Do you have any consideration for the fact that we’re racing on Saturday? That you haven’t been in a boat but once in the past week?

What does “with regards" mean to you, Justin O’Donnell? I don’t think it means the same thing that it means to me.

With all due respect.

Alex Machi

Head Coach, Women’s & Men’s Crew

Massachusetts Maritime Academy

o no no no mister monkey man. things do not work that way with me.

Coach,

I understand that i'm new to the sport of rowing, and need as much practice as i can, however i am also a member of the regiment of cadets, and have been in enough hot water as of late concerning matters of discipline, that i've decided it's in my best interest to stay low at the academy and serve my watch duties as assigned, and not argue the fact. Standing watch is a requirement to remain in good standing within the regiment, and every member of the regiment is expected to stand their fair share of watch duty each semester. as of now i have only stood one single watch this semester, while most other cadets are on their 4th or 5th rotation.

There have been enough complaints about the crew team floating around campus as it is, about how "they get out of everything" "they never stand inspections" "they never stand watch" "and they have things so much easier than the rest of us." - getting out of watch last minute isn't worth giving the rest of the school another reason to hate the crew team, and complain about us even further, justifying their claims that we get unwarranted privileges.

i am also very aware that we have a race this weekend, and cognizant of the fact that the season is drawing to a rapid close as well.

but i feel the need to highlight that i WAS in attendance at practice on Tuesday, and WAS in a boat on the water on that day, and i DID show up to the bus today to attend practice, however come 1530 when the bus was getting ready to leave, with or without us, there was only 1 coxswain present, and 9 rowers. since the other rowers present were all in the same boats together on a regular basis, it was assumed that they would be rowing together this weekend, and it would do them good to practice together on the water, while i completed the workout in Erg Alley.

Also,

With All Due Respect,

I myself have not missed a single practice this semester for anything other than a legitimate and unavoidable Academic or Military commitment, and have always put my best effort forth to improve at every chance i have on the pond and on the ergs. And if it's a question about dedication to the team you have, with all due respect, i do not believe i am one who should be questioned. the rest of the team has shown time and time again this semester that crew is secondary in their time at MMA, and most of the time don't have the courtesy to tell anyone of their decisions to blow off practice.

Even today, I was unable to row on the pond, because the rest of my boat had decided they simply didn't want to, and chose to make they're way to erg alley, without even bothering to show up at the bus to see if they'd be needed.

And i may not be the best gambler in the world, but i would wager good money that i won't be the only member of the team unable to row tomorrow's practice. i know for a fact that Nick Fenton won't be able to row, once again, due to the infection in his hand.

and even so, i don't see how my being unable to attend would hinder 4 others from practicing, in the past Alicia has shown up for both morning and afternoon practices, and seemed quite willing to do so at the time to cover for chip when he couldn't row, perhaps one of the other rowers who attend morning practices only could do the same thing if it were possible, like perhaps say, one of the rowers who is a member of the Navy SIP program, and routinely misses Wednesday mornings on a regular basis as it is.

Perhaps i'm reading too much into this issue, or perhaps you are...

but the underlying issue isn't dedication to Crew, its the fact that this is Mass Maritime. If none of us had commitments to a regiment, and this were a normal school, i could guarantee you that you would have a team 100 times as dedicated and motivated as the one we have now.

but alas, such is not the case, and we all need to make do with the situation at hand...

With Regards,

Justin O'Donnell

PVT, US Army, Massachusetts National Guard

3/C Cadet, Massachusetts Maritime Academy

i think i went a lil bit overboard

TRIP

who are you??!?

who are you to judge me?
who among you really knows me?

who out there can honestly make the judgement call, and say that i'm not good enough?

who the fuck are you to make that claim?

i deserve to be happy just as much as anyone else... so what? i'm a bit picky about how i want things to be perfect, so fucking what? thats my own prerogative isn't it? and if you have a problem with how i deal with depression, then do us both a favor, and leave me the fuck alone, and stop causing problems in other people's lives...

as any of you who read this blog most obviously know, there is a girl in my life, who i am obviously head over heels in love with, even though it is very blatant that it is not in the interest of my good health to be in such a tangled state over this one...

what many of you don't realize is the reasons behind my infatuation with this one...

she's smart, she's funny, she's beautiful, she has a constant air of independence around her, and she's tough- she doesn't take shit from anyone...
she got whatever it is...
she's got eyes that cut me like a knife,
she got pretty legs, that go to heaven every time,
she's got a gentle way that puts me at ease, when she walks in the room i can hardly breathe,
and she's got a devastating smile, that could knock a grown man to his knees...

Corny and cliche much? i don't give a fuck, it's true words right there.
and i know that she'll appreciate them if nobody else does...

but thats really the only way i can describe how i feel about her...
i couldn't tell you what it is about this girl that makes her so much more special and different from any other girl in my life- its just whenever i'm around her i freeze up and choke up, i don't know what to do...
she really is that one girl that stops my heart...

i guess in reality i don't stand a chance with her, but who can hold it against me to dream, eh?
who out there hasn't wanted something they can't have?
i don't care if i never get the chance, but the reality of the matter is, that i know what i consider to be perfect, and she sure as hell is it. and missing out on this opportunity ain't something i'll readily forget in my life...

but who is anyone else to come in here and try and burst my hopes, and tell me that i'm not good enough?
that i don't deserve to dream after her as i do?
that i'm too picky and need to lower my standards?
who the fuck are you?!?

you leave me alone and go back to your sweet delusion of reality, and i'll go back to my hopes and dreams...
and i'll do my best not to lecture you about how great of a girl you aren't, and how shitty of a guy you could pick up in reality...

it especially bothers me how i can't have a conversation with you that doesn't involve you trashing on the girl of my dreams as nothing but a bitch and a whore...
yet, you claim to be best friends with her, and then go on to lecture me about how even that bitchy whore is too good for me...

well, i think i can throw every word that comes out of your mouth right the fuck out the window and disregard you as i move on with my life and my fantasy....

if you care to apologize, do so to her first, and i won't be listening to a single iota of intelligent conversation you put forth until you apologize for being a bitch and a shitty friend, to someone i actually care about, regardless of how she feels about me

good day,

TRIP

Vestalia- Foredoes Me Quite

i can't see without it,

i can't breathe without it,

i can't live without your love...

but,

well the sun doesn't shine for you my darling,

and you don't make everyone's day...

when you came into the world,

you were raised to live without it,

permanent scars on your heart...

keep on living with your head in the clouds,

i'll be flying with my feet on the ground...

Traumatic Brain Injuries and the Military

Military men and women are continually involved situations where risk of injury is high. One silent war wound that can often go unnoticed is a traumatic brain injury (TBI) . A TBI damages the brain that can often cause life-altering wounds, which can result in changes in personality, behavior, and even the brain functions of the victim. Some of these conditions are not just life-altering, but can be life threatening and are often partnered with rehabilitation from special care facilities like CareMeridian Las Vegas nursing home.

According to the Veterans Health Initiative, active male members of the military were hospitalized due to TBI related injuries at a rate of 231 per 100,000. The rate for female members of the military was 150 per 100,000. Based on these statistics over 4,000 military personnel are hospitalized on average each year for traumatic brain injuries. Some are as mild as a concussion, while others can be severe and have life altering effects.

The best way to prevent TBI is through awareness. Recognizing and responding to the symptoms of a TBI can often aid in the preventing further damage caused by the injury. Dizziness, headaches, changes in personality or sleep patterns, and memory loss are clear signs of TBI. Unfortunately these symptoms can sometimes be ignored or discarded as minor pains during times of conflict and even once the solider returns home. This sets up a dangerous precedent for a war wound that may never heal, so it is vital that serviceman and their families are aware of TBI, so that they can recognize and help treat it if symptoms are present.

article posted on behalf of Ms Chelsea Travers of CareMerridian.

Hush Hush...

I've been watching while you sleep, baby.
Hoping I'm the only one that frequents your dreams

I can't take another breath without feeling the regrets
of my jealousy
horrified that you might have really lied
tell me is it a possibility
overwhelming proof that you're nothing but a fake.

I've seen those hush hush looks you give
when you're talking to him
I've heard your undercover tone of voice
the one you use for all the boys
I've been nonchalant about the calls at 2 a.m.
but do you really think that i would believe it was just your mother again

I can't take another breath without feeling the regrets
of my jealousy
horrified that you might have really lied
tell me is it a possibility
overwhelming proof that you're nothing but a fake

I've seen those hush hush looks you give
when you're talking to him
I've heard your undercover tone of voice
the one you use for all the boys

I've witnessed all your sneaking around
in every corner of town
I've listened while you've pretended to cry
defending your hush hush alibi

your heart is charcoal smoking black
why don't you just tie the mattress to your back

I've seen those hush hush looks you give
I've seen those hush hush looks you give when you're talking to him
I've heard your undercover tone of voice the one you use for all the boys

If Only...

If we could change our minds about how our hearts feel about someone, then what would be the use of feeling something about them at all?

if we could choose who we hate,

if we could choose who we love,

and if we could change these feelings in between heart beats,

then we would have no hate, but at the same time we'd have no love...

If we could decided who to love and hate by what best suits us at a particular time, then we would never experience bad times, no hate, no fighting, no war. but at the same time, we would never experience true love, and in the same course- never be truly happy.

it is these defining moments, the times when we love or hate someone when it inconveniences our daily lives- these are the feelings that are truest, that define who we really are.

one sided loves, and silent grudges...

this is real life...

it may be heaven, or it may be hell, but noone can live in purgatory.

and if you aren't happy,

at least be grateful you're not deluded.

TRIP

I Couldn't Tell Ya...

i don't know why so many people i know always come to me for advice, expecting me to know how to fix their problems, like i know it all.

especially relationship issues, i can't even get my own life in hand, how am i supposed take care of anyone else's?

i guess one could argue that they could learn from my mistakes, but, why do i have to be the guy making the mistakes?

for once i'd just like for something to go right in my life..

or maybe have someone i could turn to, other than Kelly, to offer me advice. i know she doesn't like hearing my problems, and it hurts her to listen to me complain, but i can't help it.

i'm over burdened enough by my own problems, but everyone in my life apparently finds me easy to talk to, and now i'm burdened down with theirs too,

i dont know how much more i can take...

that's all i have for tonight...

TRIP

Identity

"Being drunk doesn't change who you are, it just reveals it..."

-Dr. Hadley, AKA "13"

is it possible?

A guy and a girl can be just friends, but at one point or another, they will fall for each other...Maybe temporarily, maybe at the wrong time, maybe too late, or maybe forever...

but at the very least, one can only pray you can stay friends afterwards....

Real or Not?

you loved it when my heart dropped, you paused, stopped, and walked away
full of content that it went your way

these cuts that i've caused are never too deep to heal
peel back the bandage, see a scar from countless careless things

and feel yourself drifting, pulled away

well nothing feels real anymore
i'm not taking my time anymore
to show you how i feel
to show you who i am
cause it's locked away

we all need to find our way
cut the loss, just walk away

now head towards the light, the dark has no place here

i don't feel real, I don't feel real
this pain is beating.
I don't feel real, I don't real

well nothing feels real anymore
i'm not taking my time anymore

now head towards the light, the dark has no place here.

well nothing feels real anymore
i'm not taking my time anymore
to show you how i feel
to show you who i am
cause it's locked away

the things we think about at night never lose taste
and now take the close to find something greater
this wall has finally reached its end
its higher ground, lets make a stand
did you ever think we would get this high
pull back the sheets to find a ending that you prayed for.

now head towards the light the dark has no place here.

If love could open up your eyes...

She's not innocent
She's a liar
You can't trust her
She will kill you
And she's creeping
Into your bedroom
You can't trust her
She'll have you blinded

If love could open up your eyes
You'd see her and you'd leave her behind
Cuz she's the one that you've been running from
Get back you don't know what you're dealing with
In time you'll see her for what she is
A liar, A Harlot
Her eyes focus on your demise
Her knife brings color to black and white
Don't trust her cuz you know
That she is planning out your murder
Cuz she's pullin out her gun

This town ain't big enough for the both of us

I want someone provocative...

I've got the gift of one liners
And you've got the curse of curves
And with this gift I compose words
And the question that comes forward
Are you perspiring from the irony
Or sweating to these lyrics
And this just in
You're a dead fit
But my wit won't allow it

We All have teeth that can bite underneath
To where the reality grows
Yeah, that's where mine go

But,

I want someone provocative and talkative
But it's so hard when you're shallow as a shower
And from what I've heard with skin you'll win

Thats all,

TRIP

Impossible

Tell me, Tell me

What makes you think that you are invincible?
I can see it in your eyes that you're so sure
Please don't tell me that I'm the only one that's vulnerable
Impossible

I was born to tell you I love you
Isn't that a song already?
I get a B in originality
And it's true I can't go on without you
Your smile makes me see clearer
If you could only see in the mirror what I see

And your slowly shaking finger tips show
That you're scared like me so
Let's pretend we're alone
And I know you may be scared
And I know we're unprepared
But I don't care

Fall For You

The best thing about tonight's that we're not fighting...
Could it be that we have been this way before?
I know you don't think that I am trying...
I know you're wearing thin down to the core...

But hold your breath
Because tonight will be the night that I will fall for you
Over again...
Don't make me change my mind.
I won't live to see another day, I swear it's true...
Because a girl like you is impossible to find,
You're impossible to find.

true to my life... unfortunately

Dreams only last for one night...

walk it off, shrug it off, live life and and forget the rest...

at least i try, but persevere pain does.

and i'm done

until i get an apology, and a sincere one.

i can't stop caring, i just can't bring myself to do it, but i sure as hell can stop trying to be a good friend and a decent person.

and cut her off from me just as well as she tried to cut me out.

and it sucks, cuz i like her enough to want her around, even as just a friend, and i can be a great friend if she ever gives me a chance.

but not until, not until she apologizes.

but she's the most stubborn person i've ever met, i don't know if she's even capable of apologizing.

but none of this was my fault, not any more than it was her own. and i'm not going to sit back and be blamed.

until then...

TRIP

caught in a cold sweat
start splitting hairs
i'm drinking too much i'm on my way to striking out
go to sleep with the pressure of everyone
watching and waiting
im yours for the taking
but still have my doubts

before you ask which way to go
remember where you've been

stay awake
get a grip and get out your safe
from the weight of the world just take
a second to set things straight
i'll be fine
even though i'm not always right
i can count on the sun to shine
dedication takes a lifetime
but dreams only last for a night

Why?

i dunno, i didn't do anything to deserve this treatment.

she has no reason or right to blame me.

but yet she does,

and apparently things aren't settled, not on her end.

i thought we were both on the same page, but she apparently doesn't understand what page she wants herself to be on.

so fuck it, i'm done caring about her.

she does nothing but take advantage of people caring about her, and takes them for granted.

she thinks that i'm going to be sitting here waiting, for when she wants to be friends? wrong

she thinks that just because i care about her, that i'll cater to her every mood swing? wrong

i'm fucking done with this bullshit.

i'm not her lapdog,

sure i liked her, sure i would have liked nothing more than to be with her at one time.

but that time is past. i'm done i say.

but whatever, she wants to delete me on facebook and twitter, and then try and say that this entire mess is my fault?

fuck it i'm not gonna deal.

i care about her.

but i care about myself too.

and as painful as it is to see her in this state, she needs some help, she needs a friend, but i try to be one and she doesn't want it. so then i'm not going to be it for her.

she can try and earn the right to have me care when the time comes she can pull her head out of her own sorry ass.

and i'm not apologizing for anything in here. so if she reads it, i don't care.

i honestly don't know if i'm ever even gonna write in this blog again

i've given up caring,

TRIP

Things are settled...

things are settled now.

for once, alcohol kind of helped fix a problem that it first created.

alcohol loosens up the nerves, and i can't remember being sober for more than an hour or two for the past 5 or 6 days.

it's been an experience, but tonight was different.

tonight i drank with friends for fun, instead of just drinking to keep myself occupied and keep my mind off of things.

tonight was good though.

we drank, got a decent buzz, if nothing else, and just talked.

about past mistakes- and regrets, and where we are in the world as of now.

my mind is at ease.

i know i'm not completely over it, but she is, and she's happy with someone else, and i'm ok with that

time heals all wounds, this should be no different.

so i'm, if not happy, then i'm content.

and i can deal with content.

at least i think i managed to keep her around as a friend. maybe even a better friend than before this whole mess...

one can only hope...

and while i'm hoping, till next time.

TRIP

3685

My empty promises
Led to our demise
And I could never tell you how I really feel
And for that I eternally apologize

I hope you never forget the tapping at your window
With the harsh cold and the jealousy
Running through my bones
We were both selfish, but I think I was more

I would like to thank you, for showing me
A part of myself that I have never seen
Yeah, we were young and dumb, but it still was fun
And I guess these things just tend to fall apart
And I hope you feel the same

My empty promises
My empty promises
Brought us to an end
I just hurt you and I never looked back
Now I have no logic to defend

I hope you never forget the tapping at your window
With the harsh cold and the jealousy
Running through my bones
We were both selfish, but I think I was more

I would like to thank you, for showing me
A part of myself that I have never seen
Yeah, we were young and dumb, but it still was fun
And I guess these things just tend to fall apart

I would like to thank you, for showing me
A part of the world that I have never seen
Yeah, I was young and dumb, but it still was fun
I'm forever indebted to you
I hope you feel the same

You seem like such a big part
Of my life and my heart
But the truth is I've found something new
And she easily towers over you

You seem like such a big part
Of my life and my heart
But the truth is I've found something new
And she easily towers over you

Deppressed Whale Makes Me Happy

Funny People

i'm watching funny people

and i'm realizing something..

i'm not funny

Lyrics That Get Me...

Well its funny how it`s the little things in life that mean the most
Not where you live, the car you drive or the price tag on your clothes
There`s no dollar sign on a piece of mind
this I`ve come to know

-Chicken Fried, Zac Brown Band

Cast on a school and meditation built to soften the times
And hold us at the center while the spiral unwinds
It's knocking over fences, crossing property lines
Four Winds cry until it comes

-Four Winds, Bright Eyes

Oh, mirror in the sky
What is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail thru the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?

-Landslide, Stevie Nicks

Every long lost dream, led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way, into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

-The Broken Road, Rascal Flatts

When I saw through the voice of a trusted friend
Who needs to humor me and tell me lies
Yeah humor me and tell me lies
And I'll lie too and say I don't mind
And as we seek so shall we find
And when you're feeling open I'll still be here
But not without a certain degree of fear
Of what will be with you and me
I still can see things hopefully

-Run Around, Blues Traveler

Oh I like coffee
And I like tea
I'd like to be able to enter a final plea
I still got this dream that you just can't shake
I love you to the point you can no longer take
Well all right okay
So be that way
I hope and pray
That there's something left to say

-Run Around, Blues Traveler

Power of love is a curious thing
Makes a one man weep, and another man sing
Change a hawk to a little white dove
More than a feeling, it's the power of love
It's tougher than diamonds, and rich like cream
Stronger and harder than a bad girl's dream
Make a bad one good, make a wrong one right
Power of love that keeps you home at night

-Power of Love, Huey Lewis And The News

I'll show you mine if you show me yours first
Let's compare scars, I'll tell you whose is worse
Let's unwrite these pages and replace them with our own words
We live on front porches and swing life away,
We get by just fine here on minimum wage
If love is a labor I'll slave till the end,
I won't cross these streets until you hold my hand

-Swing Life Away, Rise Against

You know I've never been the type that would ever want to stay
Bring 'em home at night and they're gone the next day
But that all changed when she walked into my life
People ask me what it is
I tell them I don't know
Just something about the woman makes my heart go haywire

-Whatever It Is, Zac Brown Band

I've been roaming around
Always looking down at all I see
Painted faces, fill the places I cant reach

You know that I could use somebody

Someone like you, And all you know, And how you speak
Countless lovers under cover of the street

You know that I could use somebody
Someone like you

Off in the night, while you live it up, I'm off to sleep
Waging wars to shape the poet and the beat
I hope it's gonna make you notice
I hope it's gonna make you notice

Someone like me

-Use Somebody, Kings of Leon

I never knew
I never knew that everything was falling through
That everyone I knew was waiting on a cue
To turn and run when all I needed was the truth
But that's how it's got to be
It's coming down to nothing more than apathy
I'd rather run the other way than stay and see
The smoke and who's still standing when it clears and
Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

-Over My Head, The Fray

we're gonna take it to the people
hey let's drink from the cup
share some luck
go ahead and laugh cause it don't
cost much
I stick loneliness, your lips
and the two coins of your eyes
into my pockets

-Two Coins, Dispatch

Thats all i got for now...

TRIP

I took my love, and i took it down...

Crew

I joined the crew team today.

I've always kinda wanted to try it, i remember making fun of it when i was a kid, not getting the point of the sport, but that never changed the fact that i love to try everything.

here's the weird thing, i actually enjoyed it.

i was rowing with a friend all winter on the ergs, but once you get into the boat it's really a lot different.

overall i actually enjoyed it, even if it was cold, and the workout wasn't as hard as i thought it was going to be.

i think i'm going to be having to work out every night after practice anyways, i need to lose weight and get in better shape..

the more i think about it, i guess i'm only writing this entry because i have nothing better to do tonight.

i finished my homework,

i haven't come across anything inspirational,

i haven't had a life changing revelation,

and i haven't had an urge to kill any space dolphins,

but i did apparently piss someone off earlier today, and i really have no idea what i did to piss her off, and it kinda sucks, but just want you to know i'm sorry for whatever i did to piss you off.

i think thats really all i got in me for today. unless i can somehow un-piss someone off at me.

G'Night for now y'all,

TRIP

In this world there's real and make believe

i downloaded 'The EDGE' today

and i've been listening to it non stop since i have.

i'll admit, for an Ultimate Rock Collection, it has a good variety,

but the vast majority of rock songs are kinda depressing.

and i generally don't like depressing, but its whatever, it's put me in a thinking mood.

and those that know me know that a thinking mood isn't the healthiest thing for the fate of the world.

but unfortunately this isn't a maniacal take over the world, pinky and the brain style, type of thinking mood.

its been a weird kinda wondering where my life is going kinda thinking moods.

like why i have so few friends, and why my friends always seem to fade away after such a brief time. it's rather depressing to think of, and i can't really put my finger on it, so i'm just gonna let it go.

guess i'll try to make new friends, but i've never been all that great at that.

not like i have much of a choice...

o, and this song is on now, and i really like it

One more kiss could be the best thing
One more lie could be the worst
And all these thoughts are never resting
And you're not something I deserve

In my head there's only you now
This world falls on me
In this world there's real and make believe
This seems real to me

You love me but you don't know who I am
I'm torn between this life I lead and where I stand
And you love me but you don't know who I am
So let me go
Let me go

I dream ahead to what I hope for
And I turn my back on loving you
How can this love be a good thing
not knowin what I'm goin through

In my head there's only you now
This world falls on me
In this world there's real and make believe
This seems real to me

You love me but you dont know who I am
I'm torn between this life I lead and where I stand
And You love me but you don't know who I am
So let me go
Just Let me go...
Let me go

And no matter how hard I try
I can't escape these things inside I know
I know...
When all the pieces fall apart
You will be the only one who knows
Who knows

You love me but you dont know who I am
I'm torn between this life I lead and where I stand
And you love me but you don't know Who I am
So let me go
Just let me go

Live Like We're Dying...

Happiness is good health and a bad memory
- Ingrid Bergman

The Path Less Traveled...

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own
understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He
shall direct your paths.
- Proverbs 3:5,6

Faith, Hope, Love...

Now abide , faith, hope, love, these three, but the greatest of
these is Love.
- I Corinthians 13:13

Love is Patient...

Love is patient, love is kind,
Love does not insist on its own way.
Love bears all things, believes all things,
Hopes all things, endures all things.
Love never fails.
- I Corinthians 13:4-8

Awww Hey

i saw this, and it made me laugh, like really hard

laugh a lot harder than i should have...

it cheered me up a lil bit

HomeWrecker with a Heart of Gold...

I've been cheated on enough times to know the pain of that situation.

the last thing i'd ever want to do is to put myself in the position of being "the other man"

she has a boyfriend,

i wish i had known that, i really wish i do.

i don't know how i feel about this,

if i had known before, then i never would have let her kiss me,

i would have never let myself fall this far.

so swiftly things become regrettable,

i need to think

till whenever,

TRIP

Confused...

i've never been more confused...

this one sure is something peculiar, and i don't know whether i'm waiting or wasting...

i'd like to think i'm waiting, that in time all will be right, and i'll get the chance i want so badly, but the reality of the fact seems that i'm sitting here wasting my time, praying to a god who doesn't listen, and hoping for a chance that won't come.

i would just like some quantification that i'm not delusional here, that the time will come...

the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results, and right now i feel just a little bit insane...

with love,

TRIP

Bad Decisions Don't Alway's Equal Good Stories

usually i try not to write in this blog unless i can think of something extraordinarily hilarious to share with everyone, and then i go out of my way to make people laugh...

but then i thought to myself, i started writing this blog in the first place so i would have a public forum to put my thoughts into something concrete, where i could look at them from an outside perspective, and maybe try to get to know myself a little bit better.

maybe it's time i took this blog in a new direction, sure i'll stick with humor, but only when it comes to me naturally, otherwise i'll stick with a journal of the life i live, which sometimes might be funny, sometimes might be boring, sometimes might be down right regrettable, but in the end, it's all 100% real. and that is going to remain a fact from here on in.

As an underage alcoholic, I've gone through life justifying my actions with the rationale that every bad decision i make will fade and be rectified with time. The very basis of the American teenage mindset is that those very same bad decisions, make for the best stories.

well lately i've been thinking, i'm not really the biggest story telling guy... by which i mean, when i make a bad decision, its generally not something i want to tell stories about to all my friends.

and if it is something i would tell someone about, then i'm not one to consider it a bad story.

but thinking back, all of my bad decisions have a single common factor... alcohol- and my inability to rationalize anything when i'm drunk... i'm an impulsive and reactive, and i don't tend to think much.

there's only one other thing on this earth that makes me act like i do when i'm drunk, and that's a girl. and not just any girl- my standards are too stringent for my own good. you could put me in a room with 20 girls willing to do anything, and odds are i'm not going to want anything to do with any of them...

but you put one girl in that room that knocks my socks off, then odds are i'll lose all sense of self, and get impulsive and insanely self conscious, almost to the point that i'm too shy to do anything, and too afraid to ever try making a move, because i'm afraid of screwing things up, which almost invariably happens anyways.

here's the real kicker, hanging out with a one in a million girl, while i'm drinking... this is where bad decisions come into play... and i have a history of screwing things up.

my kinda bad decisions are the kind that other people often think make for fantastic stories, but i hate sharing them. <-- this is where rumors come into play.

recently I've made a bad mistake... and yes, the few friends who know about it thought it made for a fantastic story, but i on the other hand regret that it had to happen the way it did.

if you've been paying attention to what I've been writing thus far, then i'm sure you can figure out the turning point of this story... - i got drunk with one of those one in a million girls.

the problem is, things didn't go as expected, sadly- they went almost as wished... but we were drunk, so no, it wasn't a good thing.

i've often heard it said, and lived as if it were fact, that "a drunk girl's words, are the sober girl's thoughts." and knowing how much more honest and upfront i usually am when i myself am drunk, i've lived to believe that girls are always more truthful when they are intoxicated.

it's a belief that has served me well in the past, and listening to a drunk girls words, have led me to avoid the torture the sober girl would bring on.

but this case is opposite, it is the words of the sober girl fending me away, and the words and actions of the drunk girl, drawing me in.

confusion crosses stage right.

and if all the worlds a stage, and all the men and women merely players, then where does that leave me? this surely must be a pivotal scene, at least one of dramatic significance...

what is this i'm writing here to you? this written soliloquy, narrating the disturbance of tranquility within the sanctum of my body mind and soul, this damning piece, sure to burn bridges and raze cities, the very exposure of these emotions shall extinguish the last hope my soul can bear to bring forth in this world...

theatrics aside, my life takes these battles in stride. for without failure, how are we to know true success?

and if its true that the sober girl suppresses these feelings, and the intoxicated spirit beneath the rough exterior is willing to show me the truth, who do i follow? do i take the lead from the spirit, and pursue? or do i follow the words of sobriety, and give up this false hope?

noone has said it better than she herself,

“You’ve only got three choices in life — give up, give in, or give it all you’ve got.”

and with those words echoing in my mind, i wonder... how much longer until i have no choice left but to just give up?

and is this struggle even worth my time?

the coherency of this rant is lost now even on myself, but it felt good to write.

and a message to you:

I don't regret letting you kiss me, and I don't regret kissing you back. what i do regret, is not being strong enough to sweep you off your feet and make you mine, before i lose it forever...

in the morning, i may regret even writing this page, but for now, it was something i had to do.

until then,

TRIP

Dear President Obama,

I am writing to express my concerns about Pres. Barrack H Obama and, more specifically, his smear tactics regarding piteous, quixotic buttinskies of various stripes. Let me begin by citing a range of examples from the public sphere. For starters, in public, Pres. Obama vehemently inveighs against corruption and sin. But when nobody's looking, Pres. Obama never fails to pursue a moonstruck agenda under the guise of false concern for the environment, poverty, civil rights, or whatever. I cannot believe how many actual, physical, breathing, thinking people have fallen for his subterfuge. I'm absolutely stunned. Rest assured, the real question here is not, "Is Pres. Obama's lack of intelligence genetic or the result of too much time spent with simple-minded airheads?". The real question is rather, "What is this grotesque fascination Pres. Obama has with totalitarianism?" A complete answer to that question would take more space than I can afford, so I'll have to give you a simplified answer. For starters, that fact is simply inescapable to any thinking man or woman. "Thinking" is the key word in the previous sentence.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't it true that Pres. Obama has mastered the dark arts of diversion and deception? Someone just showed me a memo supposedly written by Pres. Obama. The memo spells out his plans to quash other people's opinions. If this memo is authentic, it tells us that I, not being one of the many bloodthirsty, contumelious bums of this world, realize that the tone of this letter may be making some people feel uneasy. However, even if you're somewhat uncomfortable reading about Pres. Obama's nefarious, scary newsgroup postings please don't blame me for them. I'm not the one forcing me to become increasingly frustrated, humiliated and angry. I'm not the one giving rise to censorious rascals. And I'm not the one challenging all I stand for.

The first lies that Pres. Obama told us were relatively benign. Still, they have been progressing. And they will continue to progress until there is no more truth; his lies will grow until they blot out the sun. He is wretched, whiney, self-aggrandizing, academicism-prone, predaceous, and prudish. Need I go on? There are two observations that one can make here. The first is that Pres. Obama wants all political power to shift, like cargo in a listing vessel, from elected officials to pertinacious ideologues. The second observation is that Pres. Obama's complaints will come back to bite us in the behind by the end of the decade. These shards of empirical evidence suggest that it has been said that to ignore this issue is to contaminate or cut off our cities' water supply. I, hardheaded cynic that I am, believe that to be true. I also believe that the spectrum of views between nonrepresentationalism and jujuism is not a line but a circle at which reckless, rambunctious shirkers and disaffected deadheads meet. To properly place Pres. Obama somewhere in that spectrum one needs to realize that those who fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat it. Of course, if Pres. Obama had learned anything from history, he'd know that if he thinks his recommendations represent progress, Pres. Obama should rethink his definition of progress.

If you were to tell Pres. Obama that he derives sadistic pleasure in the misfortune of others, he'd just pull his security blanket a little tighter around himself and refuse to come out and deal with the real world. I can't possibly believe his claim that space gods arriving in flying saucers will save humanity from self-destruction. If someone can convince me otherwise, I'll eat my hat. Heck, I'll eat a whole closetful of hats. That's a pretty safe bet because Pres. Obama twists every argument into some sort of "struggle" between two parties. Pres. Obama unvaryingly constitutes the underdog party, which is what he claims gives him the right to demand that Earth submit to the dominion of obdurate scamps.

It's precisely because the idea of basing our entire society on insincere fascism is so far from reality, it's laughable that Pres. Obama likes making my blood curdle. That's the most damnable thing about him. It's also why you'd think that someone would have done something by now to thwart Pres. Obama's plans to gum up what were once great ideas. Unfortunately, most people are quite happy to "go along to get along" and are rather reluctant to speak out against behavior and speech that is intended to pilfer the national treasure. It is imperative that we inform such people that Pres. Obama's idiotic claim that the world is crying out to labor beneath his firm but benevolent heel is just that, an idiotic claim. Some people think it's a bit extreme of me to take a strong position on Pres. Obama's perversions, which, after all, spew forth ignorance and prejudice,—a bit over the top, perhaps. Well, what I ought to remind such people is that the natural result of Pres. Obama's op-ed pieces is an intolerance that, in the long run, tends to make a fetish of the virtues of argumentative mercantalism. That's probably obvious to a blind man on a galloping horse. Nevertheless, I suspect that few people reading this letter are aware that I and Pres. Obama part company when it comes to the issue of McCarthyism. He feels that he is a martyr for freedom and a victim of vandalism while I aver that the next time he decides to impose theological straightjackets on scriptural interpretation, he should think to himself, cui bono?—who benefits?

Pres. Obama demands absolute and blind obedience from his confreres. If he didn't, they might question his orders to ensure that all of the news we receive is filtered through a narrow ideological prism. This unrelenting demand of obedience also implies that in Pres. Obama's ethics, oligarchism is witting and unremitting, laughable and daft. He revels in it, rolls in it, and uses it to excoriate attempts to bring questions of obstructionism into the (essentially apolitical) realm of pedagogy in language and writing.

Pres. Obama has been doing "in-depth research" (whatever he thinks that means) to prove that science is merely a tool invented by the current elite to maintain power. I should mention that I've been doing some research of my own. So far, I've "discovered" that I want to thank Pres. Obama for his expedients. They give me an excellent opportunity to illustrate just how licentious Pres. Obama can be. Once you understand his insults, you have a responsibility to do something about them. To know, to understand, and not to act, is an egregious sin of omission. It is the sin of silence. It is the sin of letting Pres. Obama attack the very fabric of this nation.

Pres. Obama wants to prey on people's fear of political and economic instability. But what if the tables were turned? How would Pres. Obama like that?

Yes, Pres. Obama may be nothing more than a disposable tool of power-wielding, evil crackpots but the point at which you discover that most of the things he has written would be complimented by being called merely "mind-numbing bureaucratese" is not only a moment of disenchantment. It is a moment of resolve, a determination that while he's out putting irritable thoughts in our children's minds, the general public is shouldering the bill. Sadly, this is a bill of shattered minds, broken hearts and homes, depression and all its attendant miseries, and a despondency about Pres. Obama's attempts to force us to bow down low before biggety, lazy nincompoops. Nonetheless, if we don't do something soon, his vengeful deeds will rise like a golem with a million hands on a million throats to choke the honor out of decent, hardworking people. Pres. Obama has—not once, but several times—been able to preach fear and ignorance without anyone stopping him. How long can that go on? As long as his pesky proposed social programs are kept on life support. That's why we have to pull the plug on them and advance a clear, credible, and effective vision for dealing with our present dilemma and its most headstrong manifestations.

Pres. Obama says that his activities are on the up-and-up. You know, he can lie as much as he wants but he can't change the facts. If he could, he'd undoubtedly prevent anyone from hearing that we should agree on definitions before saying anything further about his shrewish endeavors. For starters, let's say that "Trotskyism" is "that which makes Pres. Obama yearn to bad-mouth worthy causes." He keeps saying that there is an international Communist conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids. This is exemplary of the nonsensical rhetoric and scaremongering that typifies the language of scabrous loudmouths and other grungy wastrels. It may seem difficult at first to open minds instead of closing them. It is. But it's easy for us to shake our heads at Pres. Obama's foolishness and cowardice. It's easy for us to exclaim that we should ensure that the values for which we have labored and for which many of us have fought and sacrificed will continue in ascendancy. It's easy for us to say, "With that kind of thinking, my vision is built on the future, not the past." The point is that it's easy for us to say these things because if you look back over some of my older letters, you'll see that I predicted that Pres. Obama would sanctify his depravity. And, as I predicted, he did. But you know, that was not a difficult prediction to make. Anyone who has bothered to learn even a little about Pres. Obama could have made the same prediction. A final word: Pres. Barrack H Obama is unable to empathize with the pain of his victims.