i wrote this piece a while ago for an english class, i ended up getting a perfect score on the assignment, which was to parody Jonathan Swift's Timeless Classic, "A Modest Proposal: For Preventing The Children of Poor People in Ireland, From Being Aburden to Their Parents or Country, and For Making Them Beneficial to The Public"
without Further ado, i give you my very own:
A Modest Proposal
For the elimination of the issue of Illegal Immigration, by means of the Most Extreme Citizenship Experiment.
In the manner of Jonathan Swift’s “A Modest Proposal”
It has come to my attention that there is enough illegal immigrants living in these United States of America to make the citizen population a minority. In recent times this has caused a great deal of controversy, or so some of my acquaintances tell me. My very entertaining Hispanic friend, Jesus, delivered this wonderful method of dealing with the crisis to me. However, before understanding my solution, I must first fully relate the full and obnoxiously grand scale of the problem. As of last week it was evident to me that illegal immigrants have fully and thoroughly invaded this vast and grand nation. I would place a wager that each of us knows at least two or three of these invaders; it was very surprising to learn that one of my friends was an illegal invader. Naturally, the revelation of Jesus’ identity shocked me utterly and completely. Nevertheless, he revealed the complete set of issues, which accompany the invaders coming into American society. While in the country, illegal invaders subvert our language and culture, cost millions in government expenditures, and provide no overall positive influence or entertainment to American society.
It is a well-known fact throughout the world that the unofficial official language of this wonderful nation, The United States of America, is English, the Language of her founding fathers. Out of the nearly 700,000,000 people who are natural or legal citizens of America, we can estimate that approximately 699,747,993 of them can fluently speak, read, and write English. This figure is an approximation made by the English Language Assertion Society. The ELAS is a national organization devoted to making the English language the official language of the United States and her Territories. Another well-known fact about invading illegal immigrants, often they cannot speak the English language, never-mind reading or writing. This problem leads to our liberal society blaming itself, and trying to correct the system by subverting English in America and making Spanish a prominent language in the country. The invaders’ refusal to speak in English has created a subculture in American Society. Perverse subversion of American culture is an atrocity in the most basic sense and we can stand for it no longer. A Spanish-speaking culture has made a move to conquer and destroy Anglo-American Literature and arts.
Many invaders come to America claiming poverty and lack of money in their home nations. I do wish to make it blatantly obvious to these illegal invaders that in their coming they have been costing honest Americans much of their hard earned money. JRT Financing companies reported that the Immigration and Naturalization Services spend approximately twenty billion American dollars each year, tracking and deporting the invaders who come here illegally. The INS raises this money through Government taxing of the ordinary average American Citizen. I would like to point out that the invading parties do not pay taxes. These people utterly drain our national economy, and in no way make a valuable contribution to the efforts of the United States. These invaders also partake in trafficking drugs, such as marijuana and cocaine, trying to make a financial profit in America. I do find it a surprise that these people would risk breaking our laws so soon after arriving in our country, but they often get away with it anyway. The U.S. Coast Guard, along with the FBI and DEA, spends billions each year in anti-drug operations; often unsuccessful I might add. We know that the total yearly operation costs for the INS, U.S.C.G., The FBI, DEA, and U.S. Border Patrol, often top out at more than five hundred billion dollars. The immigrant invasion is simply too expensive to continue. I believe something serious must be done to counteract the negative economic effects of the invasion.
A disturbing trend has come to my attention during the recent years of the invasion. Once the invaders are in the country, they have trouble finding work or other ways to be of a positive effect in American society. They feel content to sit on comfortable sofas watching stolen cable all day, while collecting weekly welfare checks from the liberal American Government. The ones that can find work do so negatively, taking jobs from the ordinary American “working stiff.” Employers seem to enjoy hiring invaders to do labor for cheaper wages than those that American citizens deem acceptable. The aftermath of this illegal labor scandal has put approximately twenty-seven million Americans out of work, and that number is constantly increasing. This mass unemployment has had hard-working American citizens out of work and out of money, while foreign invaders take their jobs and destroy their pride. Invaders who could make a positive influence in professional sports or other avenues of entertainment cannot, for fear of deportation. Another negative aspect of the invasion is an increase in crime. The leading independent researcher has shown that the illegal immigrant population of the U.S. prison system is 42 percent. Invaders come to America, and then turn to crime when they become upset with the living conditions that they have created for themselves. I do believe that immigrants have no positive influence on society with the present state of affairs. If Americans are ever going to reclaim their pride in their nation, and an uncorrupted society, then we must take serious action soon.
I believe drastic action is necessary to quell the invasion and reclaim America. The first step will be to establish a demilitarized zone between America and Mexico. The DMZ should stretch from the Rio Grande, about fifty klicks (approx. 30 miles) into the state of Texas. This DMZ will be the sight of America’s ingenious new national security precaution, and the world’s newest and most popular reality television show, MXC: MEXICAN EXTREME AMERICAN CITIZENSHIP. My friend tempted me to fill the Rio Grande with peaceful alligators; however, Naturalist Steve Irwin convinced me that the vicious and deadly Pacific Stingray would have a more profound effect of intimidation. After they cross the river, the contestant’s presence will start a sensor, which will start a twenty-one minute timer. Within the twenty-one minutes, the contestant must run the five klicks (approx. 3 miles) to a large entrance way, whose gates will close after the time expires. If a contestant fails at this point, we will send him or her back to Mexico, for we already have an abundance of physically unfit peoples in America. If the contestant makes it through the gates in time, he or she will enter a large maze with sheer steel walls twelve feet high. On the walls of this maze will be two sets of directions, one in Spanish, and one in English. The Spanish directions will lead the contestant into a series of dead ends and wrong turns that will have them lost for an extended period. The English directions, however, will explain what is wrong with the other set, while giving the correct directions for the quicker route out of the maze. My Hispanic friend Jesus conjured the second part of the plan. I believe this idea is worthy of great reward to whoever created it, even a drunken invader. It was a brilliant notion to turn the MXC into a game, one especially made for reality TV. The true competition will begin with one thousand competitors on the Mexican shores of the Rio Grande. Conceptually, the idea will move the entrance of the maze back twenty-two clicks from its former position. We decided that contestants will embark on a twenty-klick (approx. 12 miles) bike ride, following the swim across the Rio Grande. After dismounting their bikes, competitors will embark on a five-klick run to the maze entrance. Conceptually the maze has stayed the same, other than only allowing the first four hundred competitors into the maze. The rules would also now allow physical contact as officials will grant only the first fifty competitors through the maze a finisher’s prize. They will award the finishers a green card, and have the chance to bring a spouse and their children to America. The finishers will then be set up for a meeting with an employment agency in America. Perhaps, the best prize they will receive will be the respect of their fellow Americans. MXC solves the problems of language and cultural subversion, excessive government spending, and the lack of usefulness found in immigrants.
MXC clearly solves the problem of linguistic differences between average Americans and immigrants. The notion of English language directions in the maze eliminates many problems with linguistics. These directions ensure that only immigrants who can read English passively will succeed in completing the maze. This, I believe, will go hand in hand with speaking and understanding the language. With most of the immigrant population speaking English, the basis of American popular culture will survive: music, literature, and the day-to-day conversation. I do find it unreasonable that anyone could possibly object to the many positive benefits of a homogeneous linguistic society.
Government spending will decrease greatly due to the MXC action plan. The MXC action plan reduces the need for government spending in tracking down illegal invaders. Some benefits of a single national language also spill into the category of government spending. Without multiple languages, the government will not need to spend excess amounts of money satisfying those who refuse to speak English in the American school system. I have it from a very good source that the Florida state government spends nearly fifty million dollars a year in search of teachers who are fluent in Spanish. They could completely solve this problem if the students in these schools simply learned to speak English. We will also completely eradicate the problem of anti-drug spending. I would safely guess, that those who sell the drugs would also partake in them. Any person who partakes in these drugs will not be in the physical condition needed to survive the MXC competition. Therefore, the various government agencies that deal with drug enforcement will save many millions of dollars each year due to the lack of drug problems. Perhaps those in government will argue that the development of the program will cost more than it could possibly save. I place a construction estimate of roughly three billion dollars on the project. Though it comes with a high price tag, the project would not cost the government a single dime over time. Some supporters have proposed that the government televise the competition as a monthly pay-per-view special. The money earned from the viewing would go toward recuperating the developmental costs. To ensure viewing by the public, officiators may alter or add parts of the course to keep the audience interested. Money wise, the MXC plan will affect the United States government positively.
Thanks to the MXC action plan immigrants will have an overall more positive influence, as a part of society. Once they have entered the country legally, immigrants are eligible to apply for legitimate jobs where they will make decent pay. Athletes, actors, and other entertainers can do their jobs without fear of persecution. Any immigrant who wishes to expand their education could now do so without applying for a student visa. Perhaps the most important improvement for immigrants will be the respect they receive from fellow Americans. Due to their improved status, immigrants will no longer need to partake in criminal activities to survive as a second class in American society. Immigrants will have an overall more positive effect on society.
To answer the question of MXC’s reliability, I have produced the results from my test run of the system. Six years ago, I approached the government of Mexico with my plan and explained the benefits to them. Needles to say, they thought the idea was brilliant. The Mexicans began to set up the system on their southern border. In the last five years, illegal immigration has come to a virtual stand still on Mexico’s southern border. In the recent years, the Mexican government has decreased their spending by phenomenal amounts. This vast decrease in government spending has led to a large decrease in taxation. Also, the lack of illegal immigration has made many jobs available to Mexican citizens. The combination of available jobs and lower government taxes has made for an improved standard of living in the nation of Mexico. The MXC action plan has had absolutely no negative effects on the nation of Mexico. I foresee only positive results if they carry out the MXC action plan in the United States.
MXC is a singular piece of genius, which will make America a more pleasant place to live. With the application of the plan, America will solve all the problems of illegal immigration. Others before me have proposed many solutions to the problem, all of which MXC has eclipsed and encompassed. National Guard troops would not have to patrol the border as a police group any longer. Devising harsher laws to deal with those companies that employ the illegal immigrants would not be necessary. The government would not even need to develop more efficient practices of dealing with the illegal immigrants themselves. After careful consideration, MXC is the easiest solution to the problem available to the United States Government. Not only is it the easiest, MXC is the perfect solution to immigration.
For the elimination of the issue of Illegal Immigration, by means of the Most Extreme Citizenship Experiment.
In the manner of Jonathan Swift’s “A Modest Proposal”
It has come to my attention that there is enough illegal immigrants living in these United States of America to make the citizen population a minority. In recent times this has caused a great deal of controversy, or so some of my acquaintances tell me. My very entertaining Hispanic friend, Jesus, delivered this wonderful method of dealing with the crisis to me. However, before understanding my solution, I must first fully relate the full and obnoxiously grand scale of the problem. As of last week it was evident to me that illegal immigrants have fully and thoroughly invaded this vast and grand nation. I would place a wager that each of us knows at least two or three of these invaders; it was very surprising to learn that one of my friends was an illegal invader. Naturally, the revelation of Jesus’ identity shocked me utterly and completely. Nevertheless, he revealed the complete set of issues, which accompany the invaders coming into American society. While in the country, illegal invaders subvert our language and culture, cost millions in government expenditures, and provide no overall positive influence or entertainment to American society.
It is a well-known fact throughout the world that the unofficial official language of this wonderful nation, The United States of America, is English, the Language of her founding fathers. Out of the nearly 700,000,000 people who are natural or legal citizens of America, we can estimate that approximately 699,747,993 of them can fluently speak, read, and write English. This figure is an approximation made by the English Language Assertion Society. The ELAS is a national organization devoted to making the English language the official language of the United States and her Territories. Another well-known fact about invading illegal immigrants, often they cannot speak the English language, never-mind reading or writing. This problem leads to our liberal society blaming itself, and trying to correct the system by subverting English in America and making Spanish a prominent language in the country. The invaders’ refusal to speak in English has created a subculture in American Society. Perverse subversion of American culture is an atrocity in the most basic sense and we can stand for it no longer. A Spanish-speaking culture has made a move to conquer and destroy Anglo-American Literature and arts.
Many invaders come to America claiming poverty and lack of money in their home nations. I do wish to make it blatantly obvious to these illegal invaders that in their coming they have been costing honest Americans much of their hard earned money. JRT Financing companies reported that the Immigration and Naturalization Services spend approximately twenty billion American dollars each year, tracking and deporting the invaders who come here illegally. The INS raises this money through Government taxing of the ordinary average American Citizen. I would like to point out that the invading parties do not pay taxes. These people utterly drain our national economy, and in no way make a valuable contribution to the efforts of the United States. These invaders also partake in trafficking drugs, such as marijuana and cocaine, trying to make a financial profit in America. I do find it a surprise that these people would risk breaking our laws so soon after arriving in our country, but they often get away with it anyway. The U.S. Coast Guard, along with the FBI and DEA, spends billions each year in anti-drug operations; often unsuccessful I might add. We know that the total yearly operation costs for the INS, U.S.C.G., The FBI, DEA, and U.S. Border Patrol, often top out at more than five hundred billion dollars. The immigrant invasion is simply too expensive to continue. I believe something serious must be done to counteract the negative economic effects of the invasion.
A disturbing trend has come to my attention during the recent years of the invasion. Once the invaders are in the country, they have trouble finding work or other ways to be of a positive effect in American society. They feel content to sit on comfortable sofas watching stolen cable all day, while collecting weekly welfare checks from the liberal American Government. The ones that can find work do so negatively, taking jobs from the ordinary American “working stiff.” Employers seem to enjoy hiring invaders to do labor for cheaper wages than those that American citizens deem acceptable. The aftermath of this illegal labor scandal has put approximately twenty-seven million Americans out of work, and that number is constantly increasing. This mass unemployment has had hard-working American citizens out of work and out of money, while foreign invaders take their jobs and destroy their pride. Invaders who could make a positive influence in professional sports or other avenues of entertainment cannot, for fear of deportation. Another negative aspect of the invasion is an increase in crime. The leading independent researcher has shown that the illegal immigrant population of the U.S. prison system is 42 percent. Invaders come to America, and then turn to crime when they become upset with the living conditions that they have created for themselves. I do believe that immigrants have no positive influence on society with the present state of affairs. If Americans are ever going to reclaim their pride in their nation, and an uncorrupted society, then we must take serious action soon.
I believe drastic action is necessary to quell the invasion and reclaim America. The first step will be to establish a demilitarized zone between America and Mexico. The DMZ should stretch from the Rio Grande, about fifty klicks (approx. 30 miles) into the state of Texas. This DMZ will be the sight of America’s ingenious new national security precaution, and the world’s newest and most popular reality television show, MXC: MEXICAN EXTREME AMERICAN CITIZENSHIP. My friend tempted me to fill the Rio Grande with peaceful alligators; however, Naturalist Steve Irwin convinced me that the vicious and deadly Pacific Stingray would have a more profound effect of intimidation. After they cross the river, the contestant’s presence will start a sensor, which will start a twenty-one minute timer. Within the twenty-one minutes, the contestant must run the five klicks (approx. 3 miles) to a large entrance way, whose gates will close after the time expires. If a contestant fails at this point, we will send him or her back to Mexico, for we already have an abundance of physically unfit peoples in America. If the contestant makes it through the gates in time, he or she will enter a large maze with sheer steel walls twelve feet high. On the walls of this maze will be two sets of directions, one in Spanish, and one in English. The Spanish directions will lead the contestant into a series of dead ends and wrong turns that will have them lost for an extended period. The English directions, however, will explain what is wrong with the other set, while giving the correct directions for the quicker route out of the maze. My Hispanic friend Jesus conjured the second part of the plan. I believe this idea is worthy of great reward to whoever created it, even a drunken invader. It was a brilliant notion to turn the MXC into a game, one especially made for reality TV. The true competition will begin with one thousand competitors on the Mexican shores of the Rio Grande. Conceptually, the idea will move the entrance of the maze back twenty-two clicks from its former position. We decided that contestants will embark on a twenty-klick (approx. 12 miles) bike ride, following the swim across the Rio Grande. After dismounting their bikes, competitors will embark on a five-klick run to the maze entrance. Conceptually the maze has stayed the same, other than only allowing the first four hundred competitors into the maze. The rules would also now allow physical contact as officials will grant only the first fifty competitors through the maze a finisher’s prize. They will award the finishers a green card, and have the chance to bring a spouse and their children to America. The finishers will then be set up for a meeting with an employment agency in America. Perhaps, the best prize they will receive will be the respect of their fellow Americans. MXC solves the problems of language and cultural subversion, excessive government spending, and the lack of usefulness found in immigrants.
MXC clearly solves the problem of linguistic differences between average Americans and immigrants. The notion of English language directions in the maze eliminates many problems with linguistics. These directions ensure that only immigrants who can read English passively will succeed in completing the maze. This, I believe, will go hand in hand with speaking and understanding the language. With most of the immigrant population speaking English, the basis of American popular culture will survive: music, literature, and the day-to-day conversation. I do find it unreasonable that anyone could possibly object to the many positive benefits of a homogeneous linguistic society.
Government spending will decrease greatly due to the MXC action plan. The MXC action plan reduces the need for government spending in tracking down illegal invaders. Some benefits of a single national language also spill into the category of government spending. Without multiple languages, the government will not need to spend excess amounts of money satisfying those who refuse to speak English in the American school system. I have it from a very good source that the Florida state government spends nearly fifty million dollars a year in search of teachers who are fluent in Spanish. They could completely solve this problem if the students in these schools simply learned to speak English. We will also completely eradicate the problem of anti-drug spending. I would safely guess, that those who sell the drugs would also partake in them. Any person who partakes in these drugs will not be in the physical condition needed to survive the MXC competition. Therefore, the various government agencies that deal with drug enforcement will save many millions of dollars each year due to the lack of drug problems. Perhaps those in government will argue that the development of the program will cost more than it could possibly save. I place a construction estimate of roughly three billion dollars on the project. Though it comes with a high price tag, the project would not cost the government a single dime over time. Some supporters have proposed that the government televise the competition as a monthly pay-per-view special. The money earned from the viewing would go toward recuperating the developmental costs. To ensure viewing by the public, officiators may alter or add parts of the course to keep the audience interested. Money wise, the MXC plan will affect the United States government positively.
Thanks to the MXC action plan immigrants will have an overall more positive influence, as a part of society. Once they have entered the country legally, immigrants are eligible to apply for legitimate jobs where they will make decent pay. Athletes, actors, and other entertainers can do their jobs without fear of persecution. Any immigrant who wishes to expand their education could now do so without applying for a student visa. Perhaps the most important improvement for immigrants will be the respect they receive from fellow Americans. Due to their improved status, immigrants will no longer need to partake in criminal activities to survive as a second class in American society. Immigrants will have an overall more positive effect on society.
To answer the question of MXC’s reliability, I have produced the results from my test run of the system. Six years ago, I approached the government of Mexico with my plan and explained the benefits to them. Needles to say, they thought the idea was brilliant. The Mexicans began to set up the system on their southern border. In the last five years, illegal immigration has come to a virtual stand still on Mexico’s southern border. In the recent years, the Mexican government has decreased their spending by phenomenal amounts. This vast decrease in government spending has led to a large decrease in taxation. Also, the lack of illegal immigration has made many jobs available to Mexican citizens. The combination of available jobs and lower government taxes has made for an improved standard of living in the nation of Mexico. The MXC action plan has had absolutely no negative effects on the nation of Mexico. I foresee only positive results if they carry out the MXC action plan in the United States.
MXC is a singular piece of genius, which will make America a more pleasant place to live. With the application of the plan, America will solve all the problems of illegal immigration. Others before me have proposed many solutions to the problem, all of which MXC has eclipsed and encompassed. National Guard troops would not have to patrol the border as a police group any longer. Devising harsher laws to deal with those companies that employ the illegal immigrants would not be necessary. The government would not even need to develop more efficient practices of dealing with the illegal immigrants themselves. After careful consideration, MXC is the easiest solution to the problem available to the United States Government. Not only is it the easiest, MXC is the perfect solution to immigration.
Until Next time...
TRIP
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